Understanding

If hope deferred makes the heart sick (Prov. 13:12), then why does the Lord allow contention, strife, lack of clarity, and still not show a person what He is doing in the midst of it all?

I of all people should be able to clearly answer that question. For seven years I have contended with it. For seven years I have had hope deferred. For seven years I have pounded the gates of Heaven for clarity; I have cried many a lonely night for the desire to come; I have ached for an answer to my, “why?”

I am not distrusting the Lord’s leadership. I’ve followed His leadership long enough to know that He embodies wisdom and it is best to place my hand in His when I do not understand. I know in my head that the pain is for a reason. I know in my head that He is in the midst. I know in my head He understands my heart.

Yet in the midst, in the moment, when the hope is deferred for one more day, I waver. I begin to feel that feeling in my chest I’ve felt so many times before. That wordless, roaring yearning to understand what He is doing. Yes, the right thing to say is that the yearning is the answer. The right thing to say is that I don’t have to understand now because I will be able to look back on it later and see the good, see the fruit, be thankful.

But most things are easier said than done. I know that I – in all areas of life – will commit with my mouth to a lot of things, but only follow through with the few I commit to with my soul. Is the right response to thank the Lord for the problems, thank the Lord for the pain, thank the Lord for the darkness of unknowing, because I know that it makes me stronger? Because I know He is a good leader? Can I do that without secretly wishing it would all just go smoothly?

I feel the yearn again. My “why” is not shaking a hand in the face of my Father. My “why” comes from a yearn deep in my soul. It’s a longing to understand the heart of the perfect Father. It’s a longing to know His heart and how it moves. It’s a longing to know the Lord deeper. It’s a longing to understand His ways and how they are so different than my own.

Daddy, through Eph. 2:16 you promised me you would put to death the enmity. You told me that You are here and You have never taken from me Your peace. For that I know I can genuinely thank you. Thank you for the knowing deep down that someday soon the enmity will fade and I will stand stronger in the face of my future. Daddy I long to understand Your heart at such a deeper level than I have before. It’s not an option to know Your ways, Father, it’s not something I want, it is something I need so deeply right now. I can be passive no longer. I must know You. I must move where You move. I must step where you step. I must know without asking You how you feel about a situation. I must have you. Lord I must have more.

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