I just watched the video slideshow from my internship. When it came to the part of pictures of us all in the prayer room, I was so overcome with memories of my heart attitude back then. I really longed for only the Lord. I was so joyful…and so content. With as little faith as I had, I never doubted the Lord would take care of me, that the Lord would guide my steps, that even if He chose the hardest path, I knew He would give me the grace to walk it out.
But now I feel my spirit has grown so dull. I used to be known for my smile; I used to be warm and other-oriented. I used to yearn to be a servant like my Jesus. But what have I become? Perhaps it was pride all along that I ever thought I was more like Him, but now all I see is the wickedness of my own heart. All I see is my sin, my selfishness, my prideful heart. I smell like one of the world; I smell like one who is hardened.
Daddy, I want to be soft again. Daddy, I want to run recklessly towards You again. I’ve tried to do it right and I’ve failed. I thought I was following You and I was, but I let myself get in the way. I want to go to extremes again so that You can bring me back to the center. Would You hold me in Your arms and speak over me one more time that You love me in my weakness. Tell me that the fact that I feel the way I do is an answer to prayer. Tell me that the end of myself is right where You’ve been trying to get my heart again.
I know the answer. I know this is what I’ve prayed for. I know that this is being poor in spirit. I know now that this is right where I want to be.
Jesus, I desperately need your touch. I am nothing without You. I need to feel Your arms around me again. Speak softly into my ear the dream of Your heart. I want to hear all the secrets You have kept in Your heart about my future. I know I did hear your voice in this season, it’s just that I stumbled on the way because I don’t know You well enough. I’m not close enough to Your heart to know what You would do in every situation. That’s where I want to be. I want to get to the place where I no longer have to ask what you’d do, I just know. Jesus, let me get that close to You.